Monday, August 28, 2006

I'm now an ACU student. Haha... who would have thought last week I would be here today? Well apparently, EVERYBODY!! Almost everyone I've spoken to since I've been back has said that they didn't want to say anything to me but they thought I would have been better off at ACU from the beginning. Yet no one said anything and I spent a week being miserable at Lipscomb. So I wonder... would I have been completely ticked off if they had said something to me in the beginning or would I have thought twice about it? I probably would have been soooo mad if they had said it yet I'm now upset that they say it now. It makes me feel stupid; like I was the only one who didn't know that Lipscomb was a stupid decision for me... but I guess they were correct so they've got the right to say "I told you so".

I have the best friends. I have two friends from Maryland who have stuck with me through thick and thin. Andrea is sensible and a lot like me. Sometimes we're so much alike that we disagree.. we're both stubborn and neither of us like to admit when we're wrong... but she's like my sister. Katelynn is fun and is so lovable. I don't know how anyone can not like Katelynn. She's honest and knows how to make you feel better :) My friends here in Abilene have been HUGE in the change of my mood since living here. The sad part is that it was around the time that I was beginning to make friends here that I lost a friend in Maryland. I'll probably talk about Erica later. Heather was the first friend I made here... she gave me rides to huddles and she has always been extremely nice to me. My mom says, "Heather is just Heather. She doesn't try to be anyone else." I think that sums her well. Erin is someone who makes you feel at home. She is fun and smart and completely laid back. Katie is my best friend here. She is energetic and inviting and I love her to death. I think I was the most excited to see Katie when I came back and she did not disappoint. She came leaping up the steps screaming "MARY KATE!!!" and it was so great to feel wanted.
It's funny how much a bad experience can make you appreciate the friends you have.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Let us all have a moment of silence for our dearly beloved planet Pluto...
may you rest in peace.
For all of those you have been encouraging me to stick it out, it's too late. I'm going to ACU. Whether I'll make it there-who knows!? Maybe I'll find that I'm just not ready for any of it yet. At this point... I don't care.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

by the Indigo Girls

As I drive
From your pearly gates
I realize that I just can't stay
All those mountains
They kept you locked inside
And hid the truth
From my slighted eyes

I came to you with a half-open heart
Dreams upon my back
Illusions of a brand new start
Can't I carry the load
Is it my fault that
I can't reap what I sow
Did you give me half a chance
With your southern style
And your hidden dance away
You dance away
And you dance away

All these voices
They whisper through my walls
They talk of falling fast
They say I'm losing it all
They say I'm running blind
To love of my own
But I'll be walking proud
I'm saving what I still own

I fell on my knees to kiss your land
But you are so far down
And I can't even see to stand
In Nashville
You forgot the human race
You see with half a mind
What colors hide the face
I'd like to know your fate
I'd like to stay a while
But I've seen your lowered state today
I've seen 'em today
Honey I swear I've seen 'em today

Now I'm leaving
I've got all these debts to pay
You know we all have our dues
I'll pay em some other place
Ah I never ask that you pay me back
We all arrive with more
I left with less than I had

Your town is made for people passing through
A last chance for a cause
I thought I knew
But Nashville
You tell me what you are gonna do
With all your southern style
It'll never pull you through
I can't place no blame
But if you forget my face
I'll never call your name again
No never again
No never again

I fell on my knees to kiss your land
But you are so far down
And I can't even see to stand
In Nashville
You forgot the human race
You see with half a mind
What colors hide the face
I'd like to know your fate
I'd like to stay a while
But I've seen your lowered state today
I've seen em today
Honey I swear I've seen em today
I'm running away I'm running away
I'm running I'm running
I'm running away

Hah... I've always wanted to use that song for something
I have been given the option to go to ACU... which has always been an option but I've never seriously considered it until I've realized how bad I am at meeting new people. Especially since I did this not two years ago. It's not that I completely hate it here. I do like a lot of things but I think the few things I'm having trouble with may outweigh the things I like. Things that would make me stay: 1)beautiful campus... I could sit and read forever and I'm in complete awe that a college could look like this, 2)I love my classes... I get to watch films in one... I just like school, 3)I like the way my dorm looks... we've finally gotten it into an organized way that looks cute, 4)The food's pretty good and I know where everything is now, 5)I'm embarassed to leave b/c I couldn't handle a new place and situation... I made this decision and I feel like I should keep going b/c quitting makes me feel so stupid. The things that make me want to leave: 1)I don't have friends here.. when class ends I go to my room and do nothing or I go to the computer lab and look online... I don't know anyone so I don't go to the cafeteria b/c I don't want to sit by myself.. the last real meal I ate was Sunday at lunch with Sally Gary and the Thomas's, 2)I don't drive so I don't have anywhere to go even by myself... I rode my bike but the handle bars kept moving and I was terrified I was going to get hit while I was trying to adjust them... I think I had a panic attack.

I just thought things were going to be different... and I guess things are different... I'm just the same

Sunday, August 20, 2006

I'm getting behind on my blogging... I forgot to mention my interesting experience at the motorcycle show...

So--take all the stereotypes of bikers and mix it with me and I don't think you come up with a perfect combination. My roommate works at Boswell's Harley-Davidson bike shop. It is owned by her boyfriend's family and every third thursday they have bike night. We went to the black-and-white dinner at school for the freshman and immediately went to the end of bike night. We are right beside the highway and a "funk" band is playing on a platform. Kayla (my roommate) is introducing me to the people she works with when I look over and see this woman. She is definitely over forty, shaved head, black spaghetti strapped tank top, mid-calf pants, chunky black boots, and tattoos over half her body. She was quite a sight. We came towards the end of bike night so the only people left were the ones who needed to leave. No one was really drunk.. just tipsy. I met Kayla's boyfriend and he seemed pretty nice, but he definitely likes his motorcycles!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

I was going to wait until I had a little more long term perspective on college life to say anything but I have time and I thought--What the heck?! Right now, in this moment, I'm not liking it. I feel like I put myself back into the situation I was in 2 years ago when we moved. I don't want to go through that again, but it's my own fault.. I chose it. I don't like mingling... I feel like none of these people are really interested in including me... they'll just be nice to me during this activity so they can say they know me. Maybe I just have no faith in these people or maybe I'm insecure about myself, but all I know is that I feel like nobody wants me there... oh well... I adjusted to being by myself in Abilene now I just have to do that here in Nashville. It's just boring.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Wide Open Spaces
by The Dixie Chicks

Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
Who's never left home, who's never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds a foundation of stone
Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out West
But what it holds for her she hasn't yet guessed

She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes

She traveled this road as a child
Wide-eyed and grinning she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life lessons, she'll take the test

She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She know the high stakes

As her folks drive away her dad yells, "Check the oil!"
Mom stares out the window and says, "I'm leaving my girl."
She says, "It doesn't seem like that long ago
When she stood there and let her own folks know."

She needed wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She know the high stakes
I have only a few hours left in Abilene. I'm still not completely packed... some things never change.

But no crying happened... I think I'm too tired to cry at this point

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

We're leaving for Maryland on Wednesday and tomorrow is my second to last day in Abilene. I'm having flash backs to when we moved from Maryland and I had to say good-bye to my two best friends on the last day of camp. Katelynn had already moved to Virginia and Andrea was staying in Bowie so the last day of camp was VERY upsetting for us. Andrea was leaving first and Katelynn and I gave her hugs but someone--I don't who--started crying. It was hysterical waterworks after that. I'm hoping to keep it together better this time when I say goodbye. We'll see what happens.