Tuesday, October 31, 2006


October 31st. It's Halloween. It's also an anniversary. It's been one year, tonight, since Erica died. Erica Knoll-16 years old-ten days from her 17th birthday-"huffed" two cans of Dust-Off to get high-it killed her. I find myself defending her death (and life) to people who ask how she died. It wasn't suicide. Anyone who knew her could tell you that. Erica just projected happiness whenever you were near her. But it wasn't this in-your-face perkiness that annoys everyone. It was a subdued contentment with herself that just felt good to be around. Tenth grade was when I really knew Erica. I had met her in middle school and played in band with her, but I really started to talk to her my sophomore year. Our group of friends always ended up hanging out in the basement of her house or just sitting and talking on the trampoline in her backyard. I wish I could tell you every single memory I have there, but that would take too long. The first months were hard, yes, but I got through it. I'm constantly reminded of her. Every time I yawn I think of her because I tend to make this weird sound when I yawn and she was the only other person who heard it. I hadn't talked to Erica directly since December when I got the call from Katelynn on November 1st telling me what had happened. I had heard that Erica had been getting into that kind of stuff in the past few months, but you never really think anything's going to happen to someone you know even when you see it all the time. It had been the third death of the school year for my old school and I can't even imagine what it was like there during this time. It's all very sad and I wish it hadn't happened but I know that you can't dwell on what's happened. You have to move on and yet remember at the same time. I went to the beach this summer with some of these friends and you can tell that her death is still on their minds, but when they talk of Erica, they don't turn the conversation too serious. Someone'll say that something reminded them of Erica and then everyone will agree with smiles because we all know it's okay to move on.

"The Heart of Life"
by John Mayer

I hate to see you cry
Laying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws you heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

Thursday, October 26, 2006

I have this book that I put stuff in. I don't know where this stuff comes from. Whatever I find, I put it in. Song lyrics, magazine pictures, photographs, scraps of paper, movie tickets... anything. It's a cheap blue book with blank pages that I try to fill with what I have. Some of the pages are falling out and it's not even half-way full, but... it's... me. I like some pages more than others. Sometimes the page I start doesn't come out the way I think it will. Sometime I like the outcome and sometimes I don't. But I can't take the page out without losing the beautiful page on the back of it. There's this one page that I can't decide whether I'm finished with it or not. The page is new, but I've had the picture for awhile. It's simple and I like it, but something's missing and I can't figure it out.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Since we didn't have classes on Friday, some of my friends and I decided to go camping. We had originally planned to leave midday Friday and come back midday Saturday. Then, midday Friday turned into Friday night and we didn't end up leaving Abilene until 8 o'clock :) We got to the state park around 8:15 and we didn't know whether it was okay to go find a campsite or not without telling someone first. It's already dark outside, so the only lit area is the one light near the ranger office and by reading the many signs that were posted, we figured it would be okay to camp as long as we payed by 9:00 the next morning. 20 minutes probably passed from the time we got to the state park and found a site because we couldn't find the campsites that were only Tent and Water even though we realized later that the light we brought needed electricity. We set up the 12-person tent in the dark and Rachel (Elizabeth) made the fire. If you had seen us, you would have been very impressed. We made smores and played catchphrase and talked about camp songs.... we also had a lot of fun at the expense of the people camping near us. It was a van full of people who had lights on their heads. We called them Aliens. There were only 5 of us in the 12-person tent, but we survived. We later realized that the ground had tons of huge, pointy rocks in it, but we weren't bothered by them. It was a brief trip but fun nonetheless.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Crista is leaving me in a few hours. Tomorrow is Fall Break so she is going home to Missouri to see her BOYFRIEND! somehow she thinks that he's more important ;)

FAREWELL MY BEAUTIFUL ROOMMATE!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006


Since I've finally figured out how to post pictures... here is Rachel Cunningham and Me... if only I had one of us when we were little

Monday, October 16, 2006


I've had quite the weekend. It was long and exhausting, but totally worth it. It's funny to think that, had I stayed at Lipscomb, it would have been my "Fall Break". While I was at Lipscomb, I had already planned with Katie to meet her in Dallas for the Jamie Cullum concert on Friday and then come back to Abilene with her, stay in her dorm, and go see Singing In The Rain with her on Saturday. I now wonder how well that would have worked out, but I guess it doesn't matter now.

Jamie Cullum on Friday was AmAZinG! He's kind of jazzy with a lot of soul... it's pretty incredible. His voice was fantastic and his whole band was so incredibly talented. His drummer had this like 2 minute solo and it's all in this jazz style of music so it wasn't just one of those annoying drum solos where all the drummer knows how to do is BANG on his drums-it was actually really good. He could also play guitar, which neither Katie nor I knew he could do. When he picked up the guitar he started talking about how his parents brought him up on classic music like James Taylor. Then he began playing a song that's all too familiar to me. "Fire and Rain" has always been part of my life, but I never really knew it was about losing someone until I lost Erica. It's coming on a year now since she's died and when Jamie started playing that song, I started to tear up. It took me a little while to recover from it so I don't even remember what song he played after it. He was incredible.

Because we got back from the concert so late, I slept until about 12:30 on Saturday. I had planned on going to the Homecoming parade and trying to see my Aunt and Uncle while they were here in town, but I didn't get to do either :( The only reason I did wake up was because Katie called me to go to the football game. Now, normally I would not go to the game, but because it was homecoming and because I knew I would just sleep if I didn't go--I went. The game was boring even though we won, but I had a lot of fun. Katie and Eryn are camera Nazis so there are about a thousand pictures of me on Facebook now! The one I've posted was taken at the game. Katie is in the middle, for those who don't know, and Eryn is on the right. I'm of course on the left, representing Bowie!

Saturday night, Katie and I went to see Singin In The Rain which was the ACU Homecoming musical and it was pretty good. I really only have a few complaints, but since it is one of my favorite movies of all time, it should be expected that I would be critical. First, the girl who played Kathy was squeaky when she sang "Good Morning" which is my favorite song. I also didn't like that the stage version added some songs because I think they were completely unnecessary. Overall though, it was good. The guy who played Cosmo did a great job. "Make 'Em Laugh" was really good--the whole thing with the doll was hilarious! The guy who played Don was also good, but there can be no comparison to Gene Kelly!

I went to church on Sunday and then went home to do laundry for the first time in two weeks!! I put a load in the washer and then went with my mom to see Lucy's soccer game, but it started to rain as we were there. I still had my dress on from church (hello! it's laundry day!) and I had no idea it would get semi-see through in the rain. So, mom and I left and I was almost done with my laundry when I had to leave for Kayla's house. Kayla is my friend from Abilene High School is now going to Rhodes College in Memphis and she was back for this weekend so she had a dinner party at her house with a bunch of her old Abilene friends. It was really good because, not only is Kayla an incredible cook, but she's also such a great person. She was really touched that everyone came and I'm so glad I went. I went back home, got my clothes out the dryer and came back to my dorm, where I almost immediately went to sleep--forgetting that I had to read for Bible the next day.

Monday, October 02, 2006

The new Indigo Girls songs have been replaying over and over in my head... I have to share

Pendulum Swinger

I meet you for coffee
We get together periodically
I got a bad case I can't shake off of me
The fevered walking round wondering how it ought to be
You work in the system
You see the possibilities and you're glistening
Eyes show the hell you're gonna give 'em
When they back off the mic for once and give it to a woman

I dream like a mad one
Brutal fantasies I catch as catch can
I'm a psychic and a laywoman
I see love and I like to make it happen
What we get from your war walk
Ticker of the nation breaking down like a bad clock
I want the pendulum to swing again
So that all your mighty mandate was just spitting in the wind

It doesn't come by the bullwhip
It's not persuaded with your hands on your hips
Not the company of gunslingers
The epicenter love is the pendulum swinger
She is She is She is

It's fine about the old scroll Sanskrit
Gnostic gospels the da vinci code's a smash hit
Aren't we dying just to read it and relate it
Too hard just to go by a blind faith
But they left out the sisters
I've been praying to a father god so long I really missed her
The goddess of benevolence
You should listen to your mama if you have a lick of sense left

Pushed under by the main press, buried under a code of dress
Relegated by the Vatican
But you can't keep a spirit down that wants to get up again

If we're a drop in the bucket
With just enough science to keep from saying fuck it
Until the last drop of sun burns its sweet light
Plenty revolutions left until we get this thing right